Kinky Musing

Dark Odyssey Surrender 2013

by on Nov.22, 2013, under Conference, Surrender

Well this is wrapping up my explosion of kinky con’s this year.  Let’s see I went to the first SF GrUE (organizer), Shibaricon, KinkFest, Paradise, Leather Reign, and Surrender.  For some people that is not a lot of events, but for me I only typically do one or two in a given year.  I will get into why that is in a following post about my year in review.

This was the second year for Surrender and it was my second one.  This is the only Dark Odyssey event I have ever been to but I have been watching their East Coast events from afar.  I was really excited that they decided to created a West Coast event; as I was tired of the three national events we already have.

There is nothing wrong with the other events we have.  International Ms. Leather is a really good event.  I was involved in the event for three years and still am very fond of it.  That being said while it was a diverse event it is women focused and being I am not female identified or formally identified I have always felt a little out of place being a cis-male; but I was never made to feel like I was unwelcome.  Northwest Leather Celebration is a M/s focused event, which does not hold my current interest.  Last but not least we have Folsom Fringe, which is also not a bad event but tends to be hetronormitive.

Now Surrender on the other hand like all of DO’s other events is very queer friendly.  I love the diversity of people that are in attendance.  Surrender really has no central theme to it; it’s not a national contest or a relationship focused event.  For the most part it is all about education and kickass play!

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Flesh Hook Suspension

by on Oct.14, 2013, under Flesh Hook, Uncategorized

So for sometime I have been fascinated with flesh hook suspensions.  For those that know me I love to push a physical boundary of those that I play with and this is the next evolution of that to me.  I have for sometime wanted to suspend people by hooks, but it is not something I have really explored.  Over the years I had participated in two hook pulls in which I have small hooks (12GA) placed in my chest and pulled against other people and objects.

Fast forward to a couple months ago I was at an event called Paradise near Seattle, WA.  On the second to the last day of the event they did a hook pull event that also included some flesh hook suspensions.  I watched with fascination and said to myself I want to do that.  I didn’t have the courage right then and there to find out if I could in fact do it.  I thought about it and talked with people about my desire.  One night I was at a friends art show opening and we got to talk about her experiences with flesh hooks and by the end on that conversation we had a date tentatively set with the person who has done the majority of her suspensions.  I remember walking away from that conversation thinking “what the fuck did I just get myself into”.

Well yesterday I did it!

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by on Sep.18, 2013, under Relationships

For me I find that as a Top/Dom I too need validation. I need to know that in the end you enjoyed what I did to you. I need you to be gushing about whatever we did and I will return that back. If I don’t have that validation I find that I leave a scene wondering and spinning. Doubting if you had a good time. Doubting if I let the beast out too much or not enough. In the end, play will dissipate at the end.

I had a partner that I was having issues with. We would play and we would both walk away with a completely different perspective of how the scene/evening went. We were talking about four months after a particular scene and I made a comment about us not having a successful scene in a long time. She came back with well what about that scene when we were down south. It seems as though we both have a different opinion of how it went. She walked away thinking we had fun; I walked away thinking she just tolerated it. My recollection is that after we were done playing is that I never got any positive feedback. She never told me that I had a great time. Maybe she did and I never heard it. To this day I still don’t know what the real feelings were at the end of one of our last scenes. Which is sad to me because I do have some very found memory’s of our play in the beginning.

The more times this happens with a person the less likely I am going to want to play in the future.

So in the end, I need validation.

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My Sexual Self

by on Sep.17, 2013, under Relationships

It’s funny how life changes cause you to examine yourself. I have always known that sadism and power are connected to my sexuality. You just have to look at the major themes to the types of porn I am drawn to. Porn that contains violence, control, consensual non-consent, pleasurable coercion, and submission are some of the most common themes in video, photographic, and written erotica that I view. This is nothing new to me.

But what I have learned perhaps over the last year is that those themes are required in more than just the erotica that I read. I used to think that I only needed one or two of them here or there and turns out to not be the case. It is quite reversed in that I can only have one or two of them missing at a time.

I need to be in control. I need the person who I am with to want what I do to them and accept it; because it is my desire not because they like it in the moment. That is not to say that I want true non-consent in my relationships because I don’t. I get turned off by even erotica that is heavily non-consensual. If they happen completely enjoy what I am doing to them all the better for me; it creates a win/win for both of us.

Some of the best sex I ever had was in the first three years I moved to the bay area (almost seven years ago). The person I was with gave me their submission, enjoyed my power, and fulfilled all the themes listed above and more. But over time because of mistakes that I made, differences of views about relationships, and communication issues I started to lose that submission and power that was given to me. This in turned caused me to lose interest in sex.

Part of me thinks that this makes me a selfish lover. If you think about the major themes I listed above that is the case. I am the center of attention and that my desires are most important. And you know what I am ok with that. I give so much in other areas for my partner.

That is not to say that my partner’s needs and desires are not important to me if they are outside of those themes. I am perfectly capable to have sexual interactions that only contain one of those which is submission but that is the exception rather than the rule.

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I am Not an Activist

by on Jun.24, 2013, under Lifestyle, Relationships

I just had a wonderful weekend with some good friends camping in celebration of my upcoming birthday. On the way home and before heading to the airport on one of my usual trips out of town I realized that I am not an activist; though I never claimed to be. I am not someone who makes personal changes in my life for the sake of change. Instead I make changes in my life based on issues and causes that directly or indirectly affect me.

For direct issues and causes that seems pretty simple to me. If there is an issue or a cause that directly effects me I will ether make a change in my own life or promote socialite changes to support it. A good example of this is my posting and commenting about Shibaricon. I had a lot of issues around a 2013 instructor that was allowed to teach. I joined in the requests of understanding and change. This is because I love Shibaricon but for a number of reasons I can not support a conference that does not adequately protect its attendees from someone that has multiple serious consent violation accusations.

On the other hand indirect changes are a little more tricky. For the people that I love in my life I can help rally around their causes. For example women’s equality is not an issue or a cause that directly effects me. Being a white male with an amount of privilege those issues are just not something that enters into my life directly. However, for two close friends of mine it is a very important issue and cause. So this makes me want to help create change where I can. Supporting conversations, political change, social change, and changing how I interact with the world around these issues.

On the flip side of this issues and causes that do not enter into my life directly or indirectly I have no drive to rally behind. It does not mean that I don’t care it just means that I have no desire to be a part of the change in society or personally. A good example of this is illegal immigration for it does not effect myself and those close to me. I do not have to worry in my career that I or my close friends will be displaced in our respective jobs by a cheaper illegal immigrate labor. I also do not feel that the crime we are likely to run into changes based on the number of illegal immigrants. That is not to say that when presented a choice that I will not do some research. But I typically will not make a change like purposefully buying produce from framers that pay a living wage and do everything that they can to hire legal works. But I might come election time support a candidate or a bill that improves converting illegal immigrants to legal ones, improved guest worker programs, making status identification easier for employers, and deporting undesirable people back to their home country.

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Thoughts on Shibaricon

by on Mar.10, 2013, under Bondage, Conference, Rope, Shibaricon

So I have be reading through all the Shibaricon threads over the last couple days (even started one of my own) and it appears that the owner refuses to address the issue around a presenter that was chosen at the last minute to fill a gap in the schedule. Many people have questioned why a person being accused of many consent violations would be allowed to teach or even attend Shibaricon. The owner of Shirbaricon has replied to a couple different threads addressing other issues people have seen with the con but as of yet to make a single statement in regards to this presenter selection.

All I can gather from this is that the owner is purposely avoiding this part of the concerns. Without any information from Shibaricon it leads be to only two possible conclusions.

1. That the owner does not believe the people who have spoken out against this presenter. That they believe that this person to be innocent of the accusations made. It might be very well true that this presenter is falsely accused, but I find that hard to believe given how many different people have stood up against this presenter.

2. That the owner is unwilling to admit that they made a mistake. That in hindsight they should not have made the decision that they did and to form policies to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Both of these conclusions are unfortunate in my opinion and both make me not want to return to Shibaricon next year. Too bad I already purchased two passes for next year with the now uncertainty of returning.

My last thought is around admission of culpability. In the responses I have read from the owner of the conference they believe that all of these issues to be someone else’s fault and has taken none of the blame in these. I am not saying that the owner is at fault for everything but to blame someone else for every single problem is a bit much for me.

Some might say that the form letter from former Staff and Presenters about receding their support for Shibaricon will harm the con in attendance next year. I disagree with that. I believe that the owners’ inability to properly manage the issues being raised and inability to admit to culpability will do more harm.

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Failure is an option…and not necessarily bad…

by on Jan.06, 2013, under Relationships

Have you ever had a moment or a series of moments in your life that you would love to recreate?

I know I have wanted to bring back that spark, that memory, that taste of the past. I have struggled in the past with being able to redefine in order to let go of what was good and is no more. I grew up with the belief that failure is not an option; that every problem has an acceptable solution to it. Well as I get older and wiser I finding out that is not the case. No matter how much desire, thought, or effort you put into the issue; sometimes you just will not get the solution you are looking for.

And you know what; that is not a bad thing!

Just because you have failed does not mean that you are a failure. As long as you believe that you put forth the proper amount of effort, then you succeed in trying. There are many things in our lives that you will never get back; no matter how hard you try. You have to accept that you will not get them back in order to move forward.

It is a scary process to let go of those things. Sometimes it means making drastic changes in your life and your relationships with people. But to move forward in life, to get new moments, you have to be able to let go of…not failing

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Do as the Romans…

by on Apr.05, 2010, under Play Type, Uncategorized

Emetophilia is arousal due to vomiting:

“Some emetophiles find the act of vomiting arousing; for them, the sequence of “spasm, ejaculation, relief” in vomiting is erotically charged. Other emetophiles are aroused by seeing and/or hearing others vomit. Some desire a partner who will vomit on them, while others wish to induce vomiting in a partner, or even force them to vomit.”

  • Sexual interest in vomit or vomiting
  • Recurring intense sexual fantasies involving vomit or vomiting
  • Recurring intense sexual urges involving vomit or vomiting

I have spent years pushing my body through some pretty serious kinky endeavors and journeys. In the past few years though, I have become much more interested in pushing my psyche and building a stronger emotional base from which to explore. Many of these buttons we have discovered somewhat accidentally, whereas others we sought with purpose.

It started perhaps two years ago.  “Daddy, I ate too much but it was so yummy I couldn’t help it. If only I could bring it up I would feel better”.  Was I kidding? I thought I was. Did he think I was kidding? He thought I was.  But then it become more frequent, and soon I was ‘jokingly’ asking him to help so that I, “would feel better”.

Did I seek out Roman Shower images, porn, stories? Nope.
Did I jack off to the idea, lick my lips and day dream? Not even once.
Did I even throw up on purpose, on my own? Couldn’t even if I had wanted.
Did I imagine Daddy forcing me to do a variety of seemingly degrading activities? Sure!

So, why the interest?? I think it was the idea of forced control over my body,  not having the choice,  an overpowering feeling of relief.

We had just come in from a large dinner, and again, I started up with how my tummy hurt and it was so full. Daddy joked back that he could help me throw up so I would feel better. I smiled mischievously and said, “Yes, please”.  Half a second later I was being lifted to my feet by my hair, a look of shock on my face. I yelled for my Papa Bear to save me and got only a snicker of laughter in return.

Daddy pushed me into the bathroom, onto my knees, opened the toilet and shoved my head down. Oh how I wished I hadn’t put off the house cleaning for a few days!!  I found his fingers grasping at my face, pinching my cheeks and forcing his fingers in deep.  I heaved and bucked, but nothing. Deeper still, me thrashing and whimpering.  Suddenly there it was.  Tears came to my eyes and sniffles. But I was distracted by the sound behind me. A belt being pulled quickly though jean loops.

Typically that means that either my neck or butt are about to spend quality time with the leather, either wrapped tightly, or flying through the air. I was surprised when I didn’t feel the leather, but not as much once I heard the sound of a zipper being pushed down. But before I was sure of it all, my head was back in the toilet, fingers again reaching, stomach lurching.  As it came again, so did the cock into my cunt!

I was ridden hard, pelvis slamming into the cold porcelain, head hitting the toilet seat cover, throat tightening and expelling, pussy contracting. And when it was all over, I couldn’t help but be smiling ear to ear…

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Daddy used ginger and wasabi on me!

by on Nov.23, 2009, under Butt Play

We don’t call them dates anymore. In fact, we rarely have an actual ‘date’ where we get dressed up, daddy picks me up from my home, and then I get spoiled rotten and he gets laid (or at least gets good road head). But maybe that’s just my version of what a date looks like and the time we spend together is a sort of ‘date’ time…

Regardless, this story takes place during one of those times. We were going to spend some time together. Daddy came over and this time, he had a bag with him. Usually a good sign towards the prospect of his little girl getting some play!  But alas, we were heading out there door and no time to stop and have a scene. We had planned to see a movie at the theater that evening.

“Before we go, I have something for you.”

“A pony?!”, I asked with glee rising in my voice.

“Ermm…no. It’s a surprise for me that I’m giving to you.”

“Uhoh! One of THOSE”, I said and began to back into a dark corner.

He pulled out a yellow and mangled looking stem of sorts. Except I had seen that go into my baby boys butt once during a class and so I knew exactly what it was. Ginger. Not just ginger, but a piece large enough that Daddy had carved it into the shape of a butt plug! I turned and sprinted towards the back room but Daddy was on my in two strides, grabbed my scruff and bent me over the spanking bench.

“Nice try little one. Now drop your pants”, he hissed into my ear

I whimpered, pleaded, and squirmed—all the while helping him to slide my pants down.

Did I get lube at all? I don’t remember any, I just remember the pause after it went into my tight little star. It took a few moments but soon the burning followed. It wasn’t a quick burn, but rather a quick rise in heat and uncomfort. He patted my rear, helped me pull my pants up as my lower lip began to protrude and quiver.

Not long after he opened the car door and helped me in, being sure to push on the plug as I lifted myself into the seat.

“Dadddddeee, stooooop!” I whispered as a flush came over my face.

He smiled silently and closed the door. No doubt he enjoyed my squirming as the intensity increased. He smiled, kissed my forehead and asked how I was doing every once in a while. I pouted, tried to trade a blow job for the prompt removal of the offending ass burner, and failed in my attempt! Every once in a while he would push ever so gently but steadily on the plug, reminding me and creating a new wave of irritation inside me.

After about 20 minutes it began to subside, becoming more tolerable and almost fun.

Who am I kidding?! The entire experience was a blast and I was sad when it began to lessen. Daddy was glad and assured me he we would play with it again. Don’t tell him, but I’ve been researching the effects of ginger elsewhere in the body and I’ve got at least one play idea picked out. But it’s going to be way worse…


We had an awesome time playing with the ginger. It was something I had used in the urethra and ass of several submissive men and women in the past but had not tried on myself. Another one of these fun ideas was the use of wasabi!

 Leave it to Daddy to keep mental notes when I get to chattering too much. He showed up the next time with a tube of pre-made wasabi. This is sort of giggled at. Having gone through the ginger and come out happy I was certain that something more water soluble (the wasabi) would prove less of a cumbersome activity while out and about.

Aren’t I the clever one!? No.

Daddy bent me over, put a glob of wasabi on his finger and began to rub it into my little hole. Immediately I gasped and yelped, “Ouch! Oi, Daddy that hurts way worse!! Blow on it pleeeeeease”. His face brightened with that oh-so wicked smile and I knew I had made a mistake.

Gently he bent his head towards my exposed butt and blew. This of course only made the feeling more intense and I quickly squirmed into a standing position in order to make him stop; this tightened my buttocks and therefore ensured that the burning went deeper! Oops.

The wasabi did not last nearly as long as the ginger, but was a much fasted intensity. Though I later enjoyed learning that since the wasabi was water soluble, it was GREAT to have Daddy deter the burning sensation with his wet tongue.

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Daddy Gives His Little Girl an Enema

by on Oct.25, 2009, under Butt Play, Enema

Between both of our busy schedules I have not been able to give my little girl an enema for quite some time. A few months ago at Efest West I bought some organic coffee grounds to give her a coffee enema on a special occasion. I figured now was the time since it had been so long.

I called her earlier in the day and asked her not to drink anything with a lot of caffeine in it. I did not want her to get a caffeine overload since I know that she does not drink it regularly. As some of you may or may not know, things put up the butt absorb into the body more quickly and fully then ingesting it.

When I arrived we spent a little time chatting and catching up on our week. I told her it was time for her enema. I started off playing with her pussy and ass. It’s been awhile since we had done any anal play other then enemas and I felt like I was falling down on my butt play responsibilities with her. I think we both got a little over zealous playing with both her holes at once and stretched her poor little butthole a little too fast. So needless to say that part ended a little sooner than I would have liked.

So we moved on to the first enema of two this evening. This one was just a plain water one with a bit of soap. She took it like a trooper as always. Although I have to say with hardly any complaining, this might explain a bit of what happened later on. After she expelled the first enema we played around with a little fucking, gagging, and choking.

I decided it was time for the coffee one. I started to boil the coffee in some water and let it cook for a good eight minutes. Once it had cooled down a little I had her poor it through a coffee filter while I held it over the bag.

I started to give her the enema when I realized something was wrong with my rig. The inline bulb that I use was not working properly. It seems as though the one-way valve in it stopped working. That bummed me out but I had one of the sexiest asses I have ever known waiting for her enema, so I ripped the bulb out and pressed on.

Once she had at least half of the enema in I started to play with her pussy again. I got her so worked up that she was begging to have Daddy’s cock in her. And then a though came to mind, I knew how to make her start complaining and yet not want me to stop. She was lying on her back on this futon like chair; I had been fucking her for a few minutes already. I pulled her legs up to her chest and rested my weight on them while I continued to fuck her even more and harder. She started whimpering and whining about how her tummy hurt and I would just respond with ether “I can stop fucking you if you like” or “I’ll stop once the bag is empty. To the first one she would say no, as I suspected. I know my little girl very well and she would live with Daddy’s cock in her 24/7 if she could. To the second one she would say how could she take anymore with Daddy pushing into her stomach like that, and I would of course say “who’s problem is that?.”

 We continued our little fun until the bag was empty. I knew she would suck the water in no matter what I did to her. My little girl loves her enemas and would never want to waste one no matter what!

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