Kinky Musing

Relationships

Validation

by on Sep.18, 2013, under Relationships

For me I find that as a Top/Dom I too need validation. I need to know that in the end you enjoyed what I did to you. I need you to be gushing about whatever we did and I will return that back. If I don’t have that validation I find that I leave a scene wondering and spinning. Doubting if you had a good time. Doubting if I let the beast out too much or not enough. In the end, play will dissipate at the end.

I had a partner that I was having issues with. We would play and we would both walk away with a completely different perspective of how the scene/evening went. We were talking about four months after a particular scene and I made a comment about us not having a successful scene in a long time. She came back with well what about that scene when we were down south. It seems as though we both have a different opinion of how it went. She walked away thinking we had fun; I walked away thinking she just tolerated it. My recollection is that after we were done playing is that I never got any positive feedback. She never told me that I had a great time. Maybe she did and I never heard it. To this day I still don’t know what the real feelings were at the end of one of our last scenes. Which is sad to me because I do have some very found memory’s of our play in the beginning.

The more times this happens with a person the less likely I am going to want to play in the future.

So in the end, I need validation.

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My Sexual Self

by on Sep.17, 2013, under Relationships

It’s funny how life changes cause you to examine yourself. I have always known that sadism and power are connected to my sexuality. You just have to look at the major themes to the types of porn I am drawn to. Porn that contains violence, control, consensual non-consent, pleasurable coercion, and submission are some of the most common themes in video, photographic, and written erotica that I view. This is nothing new to me.

But what I have learned perhaps over the last year is that those themes are required in more than just the erotica that I read. I used to think that I only needed one or two of them here or there and turns out to not be the case. It is quite reversed in that I can only have one or two of them missing at a time.

I need to be in control. I need the person who I am with to want what I do to them and accept it; because it is my desire not because they like it in the moment. That is not to say that I want true non-consent in my relationships because I don’t. I get turned off by even erotica that is heavily non-consensual. If they happen completely enjoy what I am doing to them all the better for me; it creates a win/win for both of us.

Some of the best sex I ever had was in the first three years I moved to the bay area (almost seven years ago). The person I was with gave me their submission, enjoyed my power, and fulfilled all the themes listed above and more. But over time because of mistakes that I made, differences of views about relationships, and communication issues I started to lose that submission and power that was given to me. This in turned caused me to lose interest in sex.

Part of me thinks that this makes me a selfish lover. If you think about the major themes I listed above that is the case. I am the center of attention and that my desires are most important. And you know what I am ok with that. I give so much in other areas for my partner.

That is not to say that my partner’s needs and desires are not important to me if they are outside of those themes. I am perfectly capable to have sexual interactions that only contain one of those which is submission but that is the exception rather than the rule.

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I am Not an Activist

by on Jun.24, 2013, under Lifestyle, Relationships

I just had a wonderful weekend with some good friends camping in celebration of my upcoming birthday. On the way home and before heading to the airport on one of my usual trips out of town I realized that I am not an activist; though I never claimed to be. I am not someone who makes personal changes in my life for the sake of change. Instead I make changes in my life based on issues and causes that directly or indirectly affect me.

For direct issues and causes that seems pretty simple to me. If there is an issue or a cause that directly effects me I will ether make a change in my own life or promote socialite changes to support it. A good example of this is my posting and commenting about Shibaricon. I had a lot of issues around a 2013 instructor that was allowed to teach. I joined in the requests of understanding and change. This is because I love Shibaricon but for a number of reasons I can not support a conference that does not adequately protect its attendees from someone that has multiple serious consent violation accusations.

On the other hand indirect changes are a little more tricky. For the people that I love in my life I can help rally around their causes. For example women’s equality is not an issue or a cause that directly effects me. Being a white male with an amount of privilege those issues are just not something that enters into my life directly. However, for two close friends of mine it is a very important issue and cause. So this makes me want to help create change where I can. Supporting conversations, political change, social change, and changing how I interact with the world around these issues.

On the flip side of this issues and causes that do not enter into my life directly or indirectly I have no drive to rally behind. It does not mean that I don’t care it just means that I have no desire to be a part of the change in society or personally. A good example of this is illegal immigration for it does not effect myself and those close to me. I do not have to worry in my career that I or my close friends will be displaced in our respective jobs by a cheaper illegal immigrate labor. I also do not feel that the crime we are likely to run into changes based on the number of illegal immigrants. That is not to say that when presented a choice that I will not do some research. But I typically will not make a change like purposefully buying produce from framers that pay a living wage and do everything that they can to hire legal works. But I might come election time support a candidate or a bill that improves converting illegal immigrants to legal ones, improved guest worker programs, making status identification easier for employers, and deporting undesirable people back to their home country.

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Failure is an option…and not necessarily bad…

by on Jan.06, 2013, under Relationships

Have you ever had a moment or a series of moments in your life that you would love to recreate?

I know I have wanted to bring back that spark, that memory, that taste of the past. I have struggled in the past with being able to redefine in order to let go of what was good and is no more. I grew up with the belief that failure is not an option; that every problem has an acceptable solution to it. Well as I get older and wiser I finding out that is not the case. No matter how much desire, thought, or effort you put into the issue; sometimes you just will not get the solution you are looking for.

And you know what; that is not a bad thing!

Just because you have failed does not mean that you are a failure. As long as you believe that you put forth the proper amount of effort, then you succeed in trying. There are many things in our lives that you will never get back; no matter how hard you try. You have to accept that you will not get them back in order to move forward.

It is a scary process to let go of those things. Sometimes it means making drastic changes in your life and your relationships with people. But to move forward in life, to get new moments, you have to be able to let go of…not failing

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