Kinky Musing

My Sexual Self

by on Sep.17, 2013, under Relationships

It’s funny how life changes cause you to examine yourself. I have always known that sadism and power are connected to my sexuality. You just have to look at the major themes to the types of porn I am drawn to. Porn that contains violence, control, consensual non-consent, pleasurable coercion, and submission are some of the most common themes in video, photographic, and written erotica that I view. This is nothing new to me.

But what I have learned perhaps over the last year is that those themes are required in more than just the erotica that I read. I used to think that I only needed one or two of them here or there and turns out to not be the case. It is quite reversed in that I can only have one or two of them missing at a time.

I need to be in control. I need the person who I am with to want what I do to them and accept it; because it is my desire not because they like it in the moment. That is not to say that I want true non-consent in my relationships because I don’t. I get turned off by even erotica that is heavily non-consensual. If they happen completely enjoy what I am doing to them all the better for me; it creates a win/win for both of us.

Some of the best sex I ever had was in the first three years I moved to the bay area (almost seven years ago). The person I was with gave me their submission, enjoyed my power, and fulfilled all the themes listed above and more. But over time because of mistakes that I made, differences of views about relationships, and communication issues I started to lose that submission and power that was given to me. This in turned caused me to lose interest in sex.

Part of me thinks that this makes me a selfish lover. If you think about the major themes I listed above that is the case. I am the center of attention and that my desires are most important. And you know what I am ok with that. I give so much in other areas for my partner.

That is not to say that my partner’s needs and desires are not important to me if they are outside of those themes. I am perfectly capable to have sexual interactions that only contain one of those which is submission but that is the exception rather than the rule.


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